8/2/2026 at 12:33:51 AM
I was watching a Charlie Rocket interview today and I got a lot of inspiration from him. He made it a habit of staying positive, turning a loss into a win and always finding the upside. Instead of getting sucked into the despair, he takes a loss as a learning lesson. Good habits can be hard to find but once you get into the habit of something, it becomes super easy. Everything is hard to do -- if it was easy, everybody would be doing it. Once you learn to do something, and keep doing it, you understand it better and it can make your life so much easier, or happier, or better, in so many ways. There are also bad habits but those are just as easy to break as good ones.by getstowly
8/2/2026 at 1:40:30 AM
There's a fine line between what you described and toxic positivity.It's important not to ruminate on bad thoughts (when your proposal is a good replacement behavior), but it's also important not to bottle up natural human emotions as if they are unjustified or unreal.
A thought exercise: if it wasn't your behavior that caused your own despair, but your spouse's behaviors that caused you irritation / grief. Do you think it's better to paint a smile on yourself and ignore the underlying problem, or spend a few minutes feeling your emotions, describe the cause to your partner, then politely suggest a substitute behavior? The former builds resentment and bottles up strong emotions for an inevitable outburst down the road. The other diffuses the emotion, potentially alleviates the offending behavior, and doesn't betray what you authentically emote.
by thephyber
8/2/2026 at 12:47:48 PM
In your comment and the ones responding to you there's an assumption that your partner's behavior is the bigger problem compared to your reaction to it.In my experience I've generally fucked things up precisely because my reaction was worse and inappropriate compared to what the partner did.
I think I am "lucky" in that my wife is amazing and I don't have to be on-guard again truly malicious and inappropriate behavior from her, so I have the "luxury" of focusing on controlling my own emotions and responses.
But then - WTF! How are people in relationships with people that you have to be so on-guard against?
by xyzelement
8/2/2026 at 11:09:40 PM
That's the point.The grandparent said Rocket doesn't slip into despair, not tries not to slip.
That's unrealistic and tracks with toxic positivity. If everyone had the muscle to process their initial and secondary emotions in a calm manner, then airport bookshelves would be empty.
You even ask how people can get swept in such situations when the pathologies for trauma bonds and "s/he beats me because they love me" are pretty clear.
by caminante
8/2/2026 at 11:58:22 PM
I agree with you on everything except I don't understand why you are labeling the healthy alternative "toxic".by xyzelement
8/3/2026 at 12:32:35 AM
I don't think I am.I made a distinction between people who have the self-esteem muscle (healthy) and those who subscribe to unsustainable, toxic positivity (unhealthy).
by caminante
8/2/2026 at 2:13:29 PM
Because they formed partnerships when they were young and didn't know any better. And then once things get going, it seems better to "go along to get along" than face the difficulty of change.In the US, we also have ideologies that say that one partner is supposed to be subservient to the other based on gender roles, and that makes things even more insane.
by amanaplanacanal
8/2/2026 at 3:35:18 PM
It is a trade-off. The benefits seems to outweigh the downsides, but it can still be painful. But we can try to alleviate the problems by using our rational mind.by galaxyLogic
8/2/2026 at 3:34:12 PM
I am not sure about either of these things. The typical HN person doesn't seem to be someone who partnered young or was raised in anything like a "traditional US ideology"...It mainly seems like their parents failed to pass on any cultural wisdom. Go along to get along is fine, very different than your "partner" severely transgressing upon you.
by xyzelement
8/2/2026 at 2:53:29 AM
I think you're only only disagreeing in the premise of your reply, and not the substance of it.The unnecessary emotion is the problem and that emotion is 100% caused by inexperience. The surest way to stay confused is to overindulge in the emotions blinding you. Worse would be wallowing in it with your partner.
Communicating the emotions first and then rambling your unfiltered thoughts will just cause more confusion. This is exactly how most couples fuck everything up. You should instead take the time to process the emotions on your own and then find the burning question underneath it all.
The more you do this, the less time you'll need to waste on the emotions and the more effective you'll be when you choose to speak or act.
by sublinear
8/2/2026 at 3:37:53 AM
Or the more confused everything becomes, and it just gets bottled up because there’s too much going on, and the partner gets away with their bad behavior and never has to take responsibility for their actions.forming a habit involves taking an action and having a result. A consequence. Talking about it does not work for a lot of people. They need to be pavlov’d.
Once those difficult emotions are cool, everyone can explain what you did and why, yes. I just don’t think that always waiting for things to “cool off“ is actually helpful, it robs people of the consequences of their actions. People need immediate consequences to reinforce behaviors.
by dripdry45
8/2/2026 at 10:48:57 AM
Indeed, and time also gives plausible deniability.. reacting live means the behaviour is present, evident. Three hours later it is easy to deflect reality and claim it was a misperception.by goobatrooba
8/2/2026 at 5:59:36 PM
Don't date I think is the lesson here.by literoldolphin
8/2/2026 at 1:49:05 AM
Agree with most everything and will check our that interview, that attitude is how I try and live, but the last sentence is obviously not true. Taking heroin is a habit, going to a gym is a habit, and obviously one is much easier to stop whether either willfully or not.I'd say the ease which you can pick up habits or drop them is extremely variable across the specific habit and person. (as a different example, someone with less social awareness will find it harder to pick up the habit of being a hospitable host than someone it comes naturally to, but once learned its probably fairly easy to maintain)
One of my favorite quotes is, "first the man makes the habit, then the habit makes the man" , and it works both ways, good and bad. I really think this is something that should be taught much more explicitly in school to everyone, rather than leaving it only in places like sports and the military.
by justonenote
8/2/2026 at 2:42:17 AM
Taking heroin may be called “a habit” but it’s not a habit. It’s an addiction with physical and neurological elements.by shermantanktop
8/2/2026 at 3:05:33 AM
it absolutely is a habit, the fact that it affects you physiologically via pharma does not make it not a habit. a habit is something you do habitually, that is the exact definition of the word, and the reasons people do them vary wildly. I used heroin as an an extreme example.Going for a 5k jog every morning is also a habit that affects your brain chemistry, through different mechanisms, and can also be addictive. It's obviously much healthier, but its still a habit, that is reinforced via brain chemistry rewards etc (addictive in some people). It's not as widely seen or known but there is a small cohort of people who exercise becomes a problematic habit and ends up being detrimental to their health.
I suggest you check the definition of the words. I specifically wasn't talking about addiction because that is just one axis of what can make up a habit. Drinking water is a habit that is not addictive but pretty hard to quit. If you take a wider view there are tons of habits that are either harmful or positive, but have no addictive component, and have no chemical component, and are either hard or easy to pickup / drop.
by justonenote
8/2/2026 at 4:23:45 AM
Merriam-Webster does of course have addiction as a habit, but it singles it out as being different than other definitions https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/habitperhaps this is one of those definitions that are in flux and we are moving from taking drugs as a habit, to first having a drug habit, and soon, no longer a habit but an addiction.
I would have to say that in light of the other definitions of habit it does seem reasonable to separate them.
by bryanrasmussen
8/2/2026 at 3:50:38 PM
this is a willful misreading of the dictionary. you are pointing to habit being used colloquially as a short hand for addiction , which of course it is, as demonstrated through this thread, and is plainly obviously used that way to anyone who has lived in the last 50 years.if you want to play pedant paddle, explain the relationship between the words habitual and habit, write an essay, and submit to webster, to oxford and any of your favorite dictionary and try and get them to change the the top definition of habit to be a synonym for addiction.
In the meantime I'll get on with my life because I know what I said was perfectly clear and accurate.
by justonenote
8/2/2026 at 3:54:55 PM
> a habit is something you do habituallyThat soounds a tiny bit circular. Doesn't "habitually" mean to do something out of habit?
I'd suggest "habit" is something we often do, but don't really need to do, If it's something we have to do, like eating we don't call it a habit.
by galaxyLogic
8/2/2026 at 4:29:50 PM
It's not circular, its just basic grammar, smooth, smoothly, spice, spicy.by justonenote
8/2/2026 at 5:43:32 AM
> habit is something you do habitually, that is the exact definition of the wordThat definition is too broad to be useful is absolutely not a definition used in the given context (psychology).
Same goes for the examples, you can generalize statements to to get common denominators (affects the brain), but it's not useful to do so, it's misleading.
by bulbar
8/2/2026 at 4:08:04 PM
the examples I used were not generalized in any way at all. They were specifically picked examples that were at or approaching the limit of the definition, which is is a well known way of examining things in order to model them better.if you want a more specific and narrow definition for certain classes of XYZ, you can do that, I wasn't trying to do that here.
by justonenote
8/2/2026 at 7:48:00 AM
> it absolutely is a habitYou can follow the definition that you like, but the typical habit is something you just do without thinking. Taking drugs is mostly something you do to get the kick and in later stages because you don't want the withdrawal symptoms. Some addictions are quite habitual too (smoking is not just for the nicotin but also having the habit of taking a break for 10 minutes out on the balcony), but arguably there is more to an addiction than the habit component which is only a minor contributor if at all.
by teiferer
8/3/2026 at 2:23:35 AM
Taking a drug is absolutely a habit, it's a habit of soothing an emotion or seeking an emotion. "My body feels this, therefore I will do that"This is "bad, bored, tired" or anything else. "That" is the drug administration, experience, etc.
Much of addiction therapy is understanding that cycle and finding a different course of action between "my body feels this" and "doing other things instead of that drug"
by sokka_h2otribe
8/2/2026 at 6:10:08 AM
Could you share a link to the interview?by tdrgabi
8/2/2026 at 11:11:49 AM
We are easily influenced by what we say.Complaining is a reinforcing negative loop.
Saying to yourself that you can do it, even when you think the opposite very quickly shapes your mind.
by epolanski
8/2/2026 at 1:44:50 AM
[dead]by cindyllm